Tuesday, 23 December 2014

"And Sometimes"

And sometimes things fall into place,

only to fall apart again.

I crave the isolation -

lose all inspiration -


I let myself

just fall apart.

I cannot

fight this sadness any more,

so time to close the door.

Tomorrow may bring hope again.

Tomorrow is another day.

Thursday, 11 December 2014

"Depressive State"

Again, the darkness closes in,

so suddenly,

stealing her sanity,

and motivation.

Her mind and world both spin.

She cannot win.

The thoughts, relentless, will not cease.

The tears, and then -

the emptiness.

She cannot function,

cannot breathe.

Depression and anxiety

hold her captive

inside her own mind,

and she can never leave.

Saturday, 6 December 2014

"Chronic Illness"

internal, external

the pressure is rising


with no compromising

my body is failing

they call this "surviving"

the pain is persistent


Thursday, 27 November 2014

"Closing In"

The walls of her world are closing in.

Dark memories, secured within

a mind that's broken.

Words, unspoken,

hold such power. Still.

Years can pass, and feel like days.

She walks through them, in a daze.

The walls of her world are slowly closing,

closing in.

Sunday, 5 October 2014


Sometimes I don't think I can fall

any more, any deeper - and still

I fall,

I fall,

I fall.

I have used all

of my emotional energy,

caring for others,

who couldn't care less about me.

That's how I feel.

Is anything, or anyone, for real?

Deeper, deeper - drowning - can't breathe.

Eventually, everyone is going to leave -

abandon me.

That is my destiny.

I am empty, so empty, inside,

and there's nowhere to hide.

Chronic illness persists, day after day -

cannot even run away.

No choice but to stay.

Just have to endure

some more,

some more,

some more.

Thursday, 2 October 2014

"You Can Only"

You can only love your friends,

but cannot make them stay.

The tighter you hold on

to those you cherish,

the faster and further they slip away.

You cannot - can never - make anyone stay.

You will only ever drive people away.

You might try not to get attached at all,

not to care too deeply -

and yet, you end up caring, anyway.

Ultimately, all you can do

is to remain true

to yourself:

give love,

and live in hope

that sometimes -

friends may even be genuine,

and actually want to stay.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

"Why Should Anyone Mind?"

If I rip myself apart

inside my own mind,

why should anyone mind?

It's not as if anyone

gets hurt,

after all -

no-one at all,

apart from me.

Friday, 26 September 2014

"Twisted Illusions"

They come. They go.

Such synchronicity

cannot be denied -

extracts the breath from me.

Twisted illusions

disturb my fragile mind.

Shadows dance -

and, once more, I must become resigned.

They say they'll stay in touch.

You never know -

or so I tell myself.

They come. They go.

Once I start to care,

I never can go back.

They drag my world through colourful chaos,

when all I need or understand

are shades of grey,

and black.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

"When I Thought That You Cared"

every day for years

the sharing - the caring

then a quick click


and it's the end

but no

that's just the finishing touch

the slipping away

day after day

comes first

and the unsubscribe from posts

our one-sided "friendship" years

so what did it mean

everything we shared

when I thought that you cared

my "soul sister"

Friday, 12 September 2014

"No More Illusions"

no more illusions

no more delusions

just moments

so pure

work through the emotions

this time

but this process

the patterns

that just keep repeating

no more

I am closing that door

Saturday, 6 September 2014

"Suicide Angel"

they were all there

the signs





I guess they saw them at the time

but maybe she's just attention-seeking


they even saw her self-harm wounds

her emotional pain


and yet none of them



or maybe they tried

but it wasn't enough

so she took her own life

and now they analyse


even her Facebook status updates



every detail

every sign

they see the signs

they panic now

but she's already dead

and the next one

is forming plans

in her head

but nobody is even noticing


Saturday, 23 August 2014

"Pulling Away"

she is pulling away

knows that no-one will stay

you can't force them to

that's not something she would do


she can't take any more

so she's closing the door


it slams in her face

protecting herself

in case

she gets hurt again

and yet somehow

she knows

that none of this will work

why does she let herself


why does she

set herself up

for even more disappointment


will she never learn

why will she never learn

Thursday, 14 August 2014

"Delusions So Beautiful"

false light and false hope

delusions so beautiful

why would she want to come back

from that other life

the one inside her head

back to this world instead

reality is but a dark shadow


her shattered heart and mind

cannot comprehend

cannot accept

and so they reject


if she must call it that

when this so-called "reality" is hell

pure hell

and she is left craving

those beautiful delusions

her light and her hope

Thursday, 7 August 2014

"Depressive Haze"

I learn not to mention them

too often:

my greyscale days -

this, too familiar, depressive haze.

I can view

your vibrant summer,

from afar.

To me it is simply

an unreachable star.

Is the physical illness


or the curse

of feeling constantly empty inside?

I don't know, or even care, any more.

I mainly exist

behind my cell door.

What is my life for?

And then it returns:

the darkness. Pure darkness.

Almost enticing - almost inviting.

The moment

when grey

becomes black

once again.

I can never explain

why I am


in emotional pain -

why sometimes

I can barely


at all.

Yet, still I am trying to smile,

and sometimes I do.

Saturday, 2 August 2014

"Sanity's Borderline"

darkness floods her mind

boundaries ill-defined

existing on sanity's borderline

relevant support denied

to feed their lie

left to endure and rot and die

Monday, 28 July 2014



more times

than anyone knows

more than I could even

admit to myself


broken and battered inside

I breathe on

I bleed on

I survive

but never thrive

Saturday, 19 July 2014


they are here

I feel their pain

every day

it twists

forming complex knots

inside my heart

rips me apart

words aren't enough

my tears

my love

some days

just getting through


can feel like

an almost impossible task



and yes

I still get suicidal thoughts

but what do you do

when you want to help

but you can't

can't help anyone

anyone at all

so you simply watch

the future


in black-and-white

fading into sepia tones

in painfully slow motion

you're watching them fall

and all you really want

is for someone

to grab your hand

and save you


you know

that you're falling too

but you can't

reach out

how can you when

you're paralysed

by fear

so they are there

inside her head

she feels their pain

every day

but she cannot help

cannot save


and now she is dying with them

Monday, 26 May 2014


I am startled by a sound, so loud.

It really is a pin dropping,

and actually - three streets away, to boot.

I am sensitive.

I am fragile.

Can you ever understand?

Your words -

your silences -

do you realise

how they sound,

when amplified

inside my mind -

what each one signifies

to me?

"Housebound on a Sunny Day"

Ever been housebound on a sunny day?

Not even housebound - more like, first floor flat-bound.

I watch the happy people passing by.

Half-naked mothers push their prams around.

My life's role - to be happy for them all.

The whole world is such a happy place.

It is a sunny day, after all.

I just wish that the world and day,

and this so-called "happiness",

would fade away.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

"Stella Can"

There's a Stella can in our

communal stairway.

People must get drunk as soon as

it's a sunny day.

Otherwise they might just sit around,

and wish their lives away.

After "drink ten", they will do that, anyway.

I had my share of drink, and drunken blokes,

and crash diets, and too many other things, when

I was young, and could have done so much.

I didn't have all of these current limitations then,

but as long as they can never take away

my imagination and my pen -

if, and when, I can actually locate a working pen...

I tell myself that life is

really not so bad.

See this smile? I'm happy with my "lot".

No, of course I do not feel that I've been had.

I am oh-so-pleased for each expectant

mum and dad

I meet - and none of that stuff ever makes me sad.

I don't want the responsibility, anyway - right?

So tell yourself that I'm actually almost glad.

Friday, 16 May 2014

"Full Circle"

I am coming full circle

in so many ways.

All these emotions

leave me in a daze.

Too many times now,

my heart has been broken.

Too many loose ends,

and words left unspoken.

Each new situation

seems to echo the last.

How do we live in the present,

whilst fearing the future - yet, locked in the past?

I am coming full circle

in too many ways.

I must learn to trust in the process - my journey -

as I enter another new phase.

Friday, 2 May 2014

"Too Attached"

What is too attached?

I'd like to know.

Is it so wrong to care,

or to let your true feelings show?

Yes, it leaves me exposed.

Does everyone leave,

in the end?

Is each new person I meet,

potentially the next one I'll have to let go?

So why bother at all?

And why can't I stop?

Why do I keep getting attached,

when I know

how these things always go?

Are any of my friends actually scared

of losing me too?

I get too attached, right?

So what is too attached?

Tell me, someone.

I need to know.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

"High on Life"

when skies shine like topaz

and there's blossom on the trees

and a slight breeze

and you're watching some magpies take flight

when the world is so vibrant

and your heart is so light

and just for a moment

you're feeling all right

people might believe

you need alcohol

or drugs

or religion

or to fall

insanely in love

with somebody

but no other "high" can match


high on life

in those moments

sweet and brief

pure and innocent

no-one's mind games can

touch you

no-one has the power

to break or destroy you

you just want to bottle

the feeling

but you can't

and it's so sad

because it won't last

and you know

it won't last

it can't last