Saturday, 15 July 2017


I feel like a fraud,
when I can't write a word.
I mean, on my one project:
the one I avoid,
and avoid,
and avoid some more -
and, in the end, can barely remember.
Then, I do. I remember, after all.
I remember why I
even started:
my novel,
the one work I am still alive to complete -
the thing I believe in.
No-one can take
that kind of pressure, right?
Not even my characters -
and surely,
it's enough just to get through,
when I spend months dreading appointments
that I absolutely must attend.
Do you know how many things
fall apart,
when it's that hard to make it
to any appointment?
Your body falls apart,
as well as your mind.
This isolation – it's driving me crazy.
Yet, people terrify me.
Real life?
Yeah - because, you know, there is
a world
beyond Twitter and Facebook,
and even You Tube.
I think life is beautiful. Don't get me wrong.
The trees and, when I actually manage
to get out on to the balcony – the breeze. Nature.
I'm in love with life.
I'm just sick of being stuck inside my own head.
I'm sick of being
anxious and depressed,
and of not being able to say
that I'm anxious and depressed -
because I've said it before.
I'm sick of not trusting anyone,
because I can't any more,
because I've been abandoned too many times.
I must anticipate yet another
slammed-in-face door.
I'll pretend to be okay now.
I just need to write some more,
and maybe then,
I won't feel like a fraud,
in the form
of a “writer”, who can't write
her words.

Friday, 30 June 2017

"Insight and Obsession"

I understand my own tendencies
My insight – my alleged sanity
I feel you
More than you can ever know
More than I can ever show
It's never rational
With me
And there are past attachments
I've been letting go
And there are constant fears
And this depressive haze
Please don't be scared
Don't run away
I can withdraw
You'll never know
I'll never show
How deeply I care
Or that I'm starting to lose my mind

Thursday, 15 June 2017

"Shadows Exist"

Keep it light,
or keep it dark.
Shadows exist.
Just keep it authentic.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

"Before You Left"

They promised lifelong friendship, but could not care less.
Day after day, she gave everything – gave them her best.
Did your knife go in deep enough, before you left?
Do you not give a toss that you have left a friend bereft?

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

"Life Sentence"

I’ve always said that friendship is eternal –

but maybe I am too idealistic – too na├»ve. 

We agreed that friendship was for life,

but it was never supposed to be a sentence.

If there is really nothing left that I can offer you,

I have no option but to respect your point of view.

I don’t even begin to know

how to let this go.

Yet, my life’s mission never was to torture you.

Just don’t ask me to say that

to chuck it all away is right.

It feels so wrong.


If you ever need me, I’m still here for you.

Memories are eternal.

Mine will see me through.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

"Real Life is Cliques and Clubs"

Life is the slammed-in-face, then double-locked door.

You’re surplus to requirements.

We don’t need you any more.

It’s an endless series of cliques and clubs -

exclusive, not inclusive -

and does your face – and body – fit?

If not, kindly forget it.

Thou shalt not be no fun,

which isn’t so easy

when you’re dying inside,

and hardly ever leave your home,

through no fault of your own.

It’s all just cliques and clubs –

and if you’re in, you’re in –

and if you’re not, then tough.

“Real life” is all just cliques and clubs.

Friday, 2 September 2016

"Care in the Community"

It’s not down to psychiatric staff,

who won’t help the suicidal.

It’s not down to the system,

forcing her to work - and not be “idle”.

You can’t start blaming the GPs,

who won’t provide home visits.

If she is ill, it’s her own fault –

for if not hers, whose is it?

It was not down to her family,

or so-called “friends”, who claimed to care.

Of course she could have talked to them

about her deep despair.

They wouldn’t have called it “attention-seeking”.

They wouldn’t have ignored her.

Her blood is not upon their hands.

To suggest as much, is out of order.