"Disillusioned"

I carry this around with me, day after day:

a dull ache,

in the background of my

conscious mind.

Constantly present.



Sometimes I get lost within

the complex tangle of emotions.



Mostly, I dream of a non-existent ideal.



Then, back to reality with a

violent jolt:

a dark place, where nothing is right

any more.



Sometimes the pain is acute,



and then I anticipate the tender caress

of the knife’s sharpened blade.

It is beckoning – more so than

threatening.



I suddenly want a release:

a way out.



Then I shake myself out of this selfish insanity.



I just carry on.

Pick myself up from the floor

once more.

Proceed.