"Housebound on a Sunny Day"

Ever been housebound on a sunny day?

Not even housebound - more like, first floor flat-bound.

I watch the happy people passing by.

Half-naked mothers push their prams around.

My life's role - to be happy for them all.


The whole world is such a happy place.

It is a sunny day, after all.

I just wish that the world and day,

and this so-called "happiness",

would fade away.

"Stella Can"

There's a Stella can in our

communal stairway.

People must get drunk as soon as

it's a sunny day.

Otherwise they might just sit around,

and wish their lives away.

After "drink ten", they will do that, anyway.


I had my share of drink, and drunken blokes,

and crash diets, and too many other things, when

I was young, and could have done so much.

I didn't have all of these current limitations then,

but as long as they can never take away

my imagination and my pen -

if, and when, I can actually locate a working pen...



I tell myself that life is

really not so bad.

See this smile? I'm happy with my "lot".

No, of course I do not feel that I've been had.

I am oh-so-pleased for each expectant

mum and dad

I meet - and none of that stuff ever makes me sad.


I don't want the responsibility, anyway - right?

So tell yourself that I'm actually almost glad.

"Full Circle"

I am coming full circle

in so many ways.

All these emotions

leave me in a daze.


Too many times now,

my heart has been broken.

Too many loose ends,

and words left unspoken.


Each new situation

seems to echo the last.

How do we live in the present,

whilst fearing the future - yet, locked in the past?


I am coming full circle

in too many ways.

I must learn to trust in the process - my journey -

as I enter another new phase.

"Too Attached"

What is too attached?

I'd like to know.

Is it so wrong to care,

or to let your true feelings show?



Yes, it leaves me exposed.




Does everyone leave,

in the end?

Is each new person I meet,

potentially the next one I'll have to let go?




So why bother at all?




And why can't I stop?

Why do I keep getting attached,

when I know

how these things always go?




Are any of my friends actually scared

of losing me too?




I get too attached, right?

So what is too attached?

Tell me, someone.

I need to know.

"High on Life"

when skies shine like topaz

and there's blossom on the trees

and a slight breeze

and you're watching some magpies take flight


when the world is so vibrant

and your heart is so light

and just for a moment

you're feeling all right


people might believe

you need alcohol

or drugs

or religion

or to fall

insanely in love

with somebody


but no other "high" can match

simply

high on life

in those moments

sweet and brief

pure and innocent

no-one's mind games can

touch you

no-one has the power

to break or destroy you


you just want to bottle

the feeling

but you can't

and it's so sad

because it won't last

and you know

it won't last

it can't last

"Superficial Diagnosis"

They miss the point

consistently:

never get to the heart

of what tortures me.

That is not OCD.


The diagnosis

is superficial,

and works for them,

not me.


There are deeper issues,

but they can't see past

my injured hands:

one visible manifestation

of my anguish,

and a reaction to

extreme distress -

in this case, mainly caused by their

so-called "services",

ironically.


Why can't they see

that they don't help me

when they won't see past

their inadequate label?

When they won't see me -

and must attempt to stretch their label's implications,

to make it mean more than it ever did -

that makes me want

to scream,

self-harm,

explode inside.


Look closer. See my pain in all its

shades and hues - complexities -

and forget

for a moment

about your obsession

with my so-called "OCD".

"Borderline Girl in Tears"

I reside

right here:

on sanity's borderline,

overwhelmed by

extreme emotions.

Here -

in my mind's sanctuary - cell - of

vibrant darkness,

crying again -

crying

blood-red tears,

relentless, empty, comfortless tears,

feeling lost,

so lost,

misunderstood,

believing -

truly believing -

that I am

no good.