"Becomes Another Day"

Hold on, just one more moment,

which becomes another day.

The subtle shades of sadness sing

deceptively sweet melodies. Hope fades,

like a repeating chorus line.

Still, we hold on

just one more moment,

which becomes

another day.

"Barriers"

these barriers, you'll never touch or see

they're real - they are a part of me

and the end results - visible enough

to make a cruel world reject me

"So-Called 'Known' Before"

How can I ever know for sure

what I have so-called "known" before,

that people wouldn't leave?

I thought I knew the score

so many times - but I was wrong -

the lyrics from another song.

My mind knows - not my heart.

I've been this way for far too long.

I want to let go of my fears,

but part of me never will.

It's tearing me apart, but it's true:

I can't trust anyone.

"Never Came Close"

I sense an ending in the air

as yet - not clearly defined

but there


never came close

to closeness for me

fragments of reality

shower

my shattering heart

how can this

be right

dreams like melting ice

within my mind


how do I hold on

yet - how

do I let go

"Believed in a Light"

rubies in blood

those flags, I routinely ignored

just watched them

dancing

day after day

in the wind

believed in a light

that devoured my mind

artificial

never quite seeming unkind

no stop sign

in sight

not even a pause or rewind

on these emotions

and yet

I must return

to the darkness

this time

at least that is familiar

safe

and I know it will always

be mine

"Directionless and Disconnected"

and when it all goes silent

and I am left with only me

my racing thoughts

the emptiness

the pain throughout my body

chaotic darkness in my mind

directionless

in silence

feeling disconnected

I need to find the route back home

to me

"Breaking the Cycle"

How does she trust through silences

that bruise her brittle mind?

She can hear their echoes, so distinct -

and reality is duly redefined.


The cycle is relentless,

but she's fighting it this time.

"Every Shade of Pain"

I scream in every shade of pain.

There aren't sufficient words to convey

how deeply I hurt;

how much I need you

to care - to show that you care;

be there;

even when I push you away;

especially then.

I scream in every shade of pain,

and your silence says

it all

to me.

"Her Darkness"

she fears and obsesses

can you understand

tries to speculate and theorise

and daydreams a lot

but in truth

the outcome is too often

out of her hands


can you stay with her darkness

if so

for how long

you know how deeply she cares

and that you have done nothing wrong


but she fears and obsesses

and can't seem to stop

will it just drive you crazy

will you need to escape

or can you actually stay with

understand

and even embrace

her vibrant darkness

her passion, compassion

depression, insanity

creativity, kindness

intensity, love for you

random mood swings

instead

"Emotions Spinning"

a kaleidoscope of vibrant darkness

in my mind

that leaves my emotions spinning

like a fairground ride


wild horses

escape the carousel

by night


and dreams enclose me

"The Release"

and when I cry, I feel it - the release

but still, this overwhelming pain won't cease

when we have one thing

we must lose the other

I need to focus on my dreams now

change my destiny

always, there is a new path to discover

"Broken and Abandoned"

and they leave her broken

and in despair

each so-called "friend"

who had promised

to always be there

claimed to care

when she needs them the most

no word

just silence, screaming from her phone

email and Facebook - empty inbox, says it all

they step away

none of their business, anyway

just giving her space

and the family - same approach

can't "pander to people like that", after all

calls crisis support

what can they do

that's what they're asking her

listen might help

but they don't

and they won't

ring back in the morning

that's all they can say

then the day staff

can ignore her calls, too

which they do

can't they see

how close

she is

to the edge

what thoughts are racing, so relentlessly, through her head

so the moment arrives

she is finally going

to end it all

they'll catch her next time she's on Facebook

do they really not understand

any of them

yet she feels

a sense of

calm

now

she knows what she must do

and soon all that will be left

is her Facebook profile

and a Twitter page, overflowing with

inspirational quotes

in which she once tried to believe

"Feeling the Pain"

when you can no longer fill

the void

deny the pain

the depression

the loneliness

frozen by fear

into

relentless

inactivity

just stay with the pain

live through it

moment by moment

and hope

hold on

hold out

for something to believe in

survive

just survive

endure

another pointless day

filled with pain

"Visible"

Mental illness is invisible?

I wish.

OCD leaves physical scars.

Take my hand, anyway.

It isn't catching - I promise you that.

Please stay.


Beneath the moon and stars,

I pray

for friends who will love me

anyway,

for who I am inside.

I feel the need to hide.

Tell me that I am okay

the way I am

right now.


Tell me that there is hope.

Tell me that you care,

and will always be there.

"All We Have"

And so, all we have are

moments:

each cloud formation in the sky,

each breeze and breath,

and passing butterfly.


Where does solitude end,

and loneliness begin?

So far from where I long to be,


and yet, I feel a

momentary

sense of peace within.

"Eternal Friendship and Nothing Less"

I have had the friends since childhood.

All of those are long gone now.

I have had the users and abusers -

their lies and their deceit. Repeat - repeat...

I have had the promised sense of community,

if only I would accordingly

adjust my lifestyle

and my spiritual beliefs.

I've had the friends who left - the ones who died.

Whatever, however - in the end,

I've cried, and been denied.

I've had the friends online, and believed

too much. I'll never touch

any of them.

I need the friends who call or text me, for no reason.

I need the friends who don't care how I look,

and accept me, flaws and all - yes, in my true -

updated, somewhat broken - form.

I need friends who see me as real,

and friendship as eternal,

and who will be authentic in return -

and I would rather be alone

than settle for less

than I - than we - deserve.

"Excluded"

A sunlit world

full of happy people,

from which I am excluded.

Who cares

about my tears

today,

anyway?

Who doesn't wish that I would shut the hell up,

go away?

Even I don't want to hear me.

"Nowhere to Turn"

She screams in the darkness.

There is nowhere to turn.

When boundaries shift, her sanity evaporates.

Will she never learn

that she cannot trust anyone?

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

Today's friend could as suddenly be gone,

and if she minds or hurts at all,

one guess who must be in the wrong.

Never trust anyone.

When will she learn?

"How Does It Feel?"

Do you feel a sense a power,

when you take a girl without her consent -

from "touching up" to full-scale rape?

What was your intent,

and can your mind not visualise

this same girl, at twenty-five - thirty-five -

forty-five?

Broken - because of what you have done.

Do you not realise

that, when you move swiftly on,

in approximately

five minutes' time -

that she does not - cannot?

Your act will traumatise her

for the rest of her life.

She may never have sex again - never have kids -

may even commit suicide.

How does it feel?

Do you feel a sense of power?

Did it feel good,

after you were finished with her,

had done your filthy deed,

when you watched the girl you had just violated,

watched as your victim broke down and cried?

"Fantasies and Memories"

Fantasies are not optional extras:

add essential colour and texture to her days -

without which - how could she

get through at all?

Reality is relentless - cruel -

lonely and empty, too.

A tear-stained tapestry of memories

reminds her of the

disillusionment

that must arrive soon,

just as it always has before.

In truth, she has been catching

more than glimpses

almost from the start.

She knows the story outline now,

a variation on a standard plot.

Yet, somehow she is still hoping

for a twist, even as

she feels more tears

descending - even though

she knows

that they are tears of

resignation.

"PTSD"

do you realise the pain you cause

when you take what isn't yours

a lifetime of pain

going insane

flashbacks

panic attacks

suicidal thoughts

because you took

what wasn't yours

and you don't even care

"Depression and Loneliness"

There's nothing left. Her passion died.

She's left with nothing but pain inside.

Depression won. Who really cares?

Her heart and soul - all that she shares -


counts for nothing to so-called "friends".


Easier to face the loneliness:

eternal, unending, almost loyal,

so comforting - just like

a blade's caress.

"Genuine?"

The last friends might have let you rot.

You still believe - these ones will not.

It seems okay. It feels so real.

At last - friends who won't make you feel


rejected, ejected - deja vu.

True friends are always there for you -

don't alter rules and boundaries

without explaining - do not freeze


you out, as happened in the past.

They're here to stay. Some things do last.

Not everyone intends to leave

eventually, and make you grieve.


Some people must be genuine -

so give the dream one final spin.

"The Final Flames"

To let her spirit dance, and set her free -

if only. Her own body is her cell.

Entranced by birdsong, nature's melody -

she yearns to heed their call, but feels unwell


day after day. It's not a "lifestyle choice".

Some "choice": to just be stuck indoors again.

Talks to herself - checks she still has a voice.

Facebook, Twitter and You Tube keep her sane -


and make her crazier, at the same time:

the friends she talks to, but can never touch.

Reality has reason, yet no rhyme.

Daydreams are her escape. She dreams too much.


When she comes back, it's always with a crash.

It hurts each time. You'd think that she might learn.

Maybe she'll see it - once her dreams are ash -

once the final flames are duly extinguished,

never to return.

"Amethyst or Discarded"

I want to be the balloon that sparkles

like amethyst, enjoying the sunlight -

but that's me instead:

the discarded carrier bag,

whose destiny

is decided by

each random gust of wind.

"Why?"

Why does almost everyone let me down?

I might as well not exist at all.

I give everything, but am disposable.

How can people just watch me fall?

How can they be so cruel?

I am going through the motions now.

I do not

exist at all.

"Reality Deleted and Blocked"

Sadness overwhelms me:

feel empty, lonely,

broken inside.

There is nowhere to hide

from their lies,

and I realise

that nothing is real.

That's how I feel.

At the end of the day, it's just me,

and I'm free

to be abandoned - alone.
 

I see people as friends, and they

simply see me as

a Facebook profile.

"Colourful Chaos"

The colours came back

so suddenly, all

screaming at her for attention.

She tried to follow each

light, one by one,

but they blinded her,

overwhelmed her.

Panic froze her fragile mind,

until finally, she broke down and cried

yet again - but this time,

from frustration and

not knowing where to start.

"Colourless Void"

barely functioning

existing in her colourless void

empty inside

volatile

drowning

dying

crying

access to happiness - duly denied

isolated

faking "okay-ness" online

hating herself

and her so-called "life"

no place to hide

nothing left

beyond greyscale and black

here

it is colourless

a colourless void

"Delusions End"

Let the darkness take me.

I cannot fight it any more.

I don't know how to just hold on.

Where is everyone

who claims to "care"?

When you need them most,

no-one is there.


Delusions end here.

"Goodbye to Dreams"

When your heart and mind

explode with pain,

and it's surely time

to walk away -

when you close that door,

do you ensure

that it's double-locked -

or do you leave it ajar?

My dreams are dying. Let them go.

Night closes in.

I will never win.