"Twisted Illusions"

They come. They go.

Such synchronicity

cannot be denied -

extracts the breath from me.


Twisted illusions

disturb my fragile mind.

Shadows dance -

and, once more, I must become resigned.


They say they'll stay in touch.

You never know -

or so I tell myself.

They come. They go.


Once I start to care,

I never can go back.

They drag my world through colourful chaos,

when all I need or understand

are shades of grey,

and black.

"When I Thought That You Cared"

every day for years

the sharing - the caring

then a quick click

unfriend

and it's the end

but no

that's just the finishing touch

the slipping away

day after day

comes first

and the unsubscribe from posts

our one-sided "friendship" years

so what did it mean

everything we shared

when I thought that you cared

my "soul sister"

"No More Illusions"

no more illusions

no more delusions

just moments

so pure


work through the emotions

this time


but this process

the patterns

that just keep repeating


no more

I am closing that door

"Suicide Angel"

they were all there

the signs

neon

pastel

greyscale

signs

I guess they saw them at the time


but maybe she's just attention-seeking

right


they even saw her self-harm wounds

her emotional pain

externalised


and yet none of them

even

realised

or maybe they tried

but it wasn't enough


so she took her own life

and now they analyse

everything

even her Facebook status updates

analyse

everything

every detail

every sign


they see the signs

they panic now


but she's already dead

and the next one

is forming plans

in her head

but nobody is even noticing

yet

"Pulling Away"

she is pulling away

knows that no-one will stay

you can't force them to

that's not something she would do

anyway

she can't take any more

so she's closing the door

before

it slams in her face

protecting herself

in case

she gets hurt again

and yet somehow

she knows

that none of this will work

why does she let herself

care

why does she

set herself up

for even more disappointment

despair

will she never learn

why will she never learn

"Delusions So Beautiful"

false light and false hope

delusions so beautiful

why would she want to come back

from that other life

the one inside her head

back to this world instead

reality is but a dark shadow

ill-defined

her shattered heart and mind

cannot comprehend

cannot accept

and so they reject

"reality"

if she must call it that

when this so-called "reality" is hell

pure hell

and she is left craving

those beautiful delusions

her light and her hope

"Depressive Haze"

I learn not to mention them

too often:

my greyscale days -

this, too familiar, depressive haze.


I can view

your vibrant summer,

from afar.

To me it is simply

an unreachable star.


Is the physical illness

worse,

or the curse

of feeling constantly empty inside?

I don't know, or even care, any more.

I mainly exist

behind my cell door.

What is my life for?


And then it returns:

the darkness. Pure darkness.

Almost enticing - almost inviting.

The moment

when grey

becomes black

once again.

I can never explain


why I am

immersed

in emotional pain -

why sometimes

I can barely

function

at all.


Yet, still I am trying to smile,

and sometimes I do.