"And Sometimes"

And sometimes things fall into place,

only to fall apart again.


I crave the isolation -

lose all inspiration -

motivation.


I let myself

just fall apart.

I cannot

fight this sadness any more,

so time to close the door.
 

Tomorrow may bring hope again.

Tomorrow is another day.

"Depressive State"

Again, the darkness closes in,

so suddenly,

stealing her sanity,

and motivation.

Her mind and world both spin.

She cannot win.

The thoughts, relentless, will not cease.

The tears, and then -

the emptiness.

She cannot function,

cannot breathe.

Depression and anxiety

hold her captive

inside her own mind,

and she can never leave.

"Chronic Illness"

internal, external

the pressure is rising

relentless

with no compromising

my body is failing

they call this "surviving"

the pain is persistent

relentless

"Closing In"

The walls of her world are closing in.

Dark memories, secured within

a mind that's broken.


Words, unspoken,

hold such power. Still.
 

Years can pass, and feel like days.

She walks through them, in a daze.


The walls of her world are slowly closing,

closing in.

"Endurance"

Sometimes I don't think I can fall

any more, any deeper - and still

I fall,

I fall,

I fall.

I have used all

of my emotional energy,

caring for others,

who couldn't care less about me.

That's how I feel.

Is anything, or anyone, for real?

Deeper, deeper - drowning - can't breathe.

Eventually, everyone is going to leave -

abandon me.

That is my destiny.

I am empty, so empty, inside,

and there's nowhere to hide.

Chronic illness persists, day after day -

cannot even run away.

No choice but to stay.

Just have to endure

some more,

some more,

some more.

"You Can Only"

You can only love your friends,

but cannot make them stay.

The tighter you hold on

to those you cherish,

the faster and further they slip away.

You cannot - can never - make anyone stay.

You will only ever drive people away.

You might try not to get attached at all,

not to care too deeply -

and yet, you end up caring, anyway.

Ultimately, all you can do

is to remain true

to yourself:

give love,

and live in hope

that sometimes -

friends may even be genuine,

and actually want to stay.

"Why Should Anyone Mind?"

If I rip myself apart

inside my own mind,


why should anyone mind?


It's not as if anyone

gets hurt,

after all -

no-one at all,

apart from me.

"Twisted Illusions"

They come. They go.

Such synchronicity

cannot be denied -

extracts the breath from me.


Twisted illusions

disturb my fragile mind.

Shadows dance -

and, once more, I must become resigned.


They say they'll stay in touch.

You never know -

or so I tell myself.

They come. They go.


Once I start to care,

I never can go back.

They drag my world through colourful chaos,

when all I need or understand

are shades of grey,

and black.

"When I Thought That You Cared"

every day for years

the sharing - the caring

then a quick click

unfriend

and it's the end

but no

that's just the finishing touch

the slipping away

day after day

comes first

and the unsubscribe from posts

our one-sided "friendship" years

so what did it mean

everything we shared

when I thought that you cared

my "soul sister"

"No More Illusions"

no more illusions

no more delusions

just moments

so pure


work through the emotions

this time


but this process

the patterns

that just keep repeating


no more

I am closing that door

"Suicide Angel"

they were all there

the signs

neon

pastel

greyscale

signs

I guess they saw them at the time


but maybe she's just attention-seeking

right


they even saw her self-harm wounds

her emotional pain

externalised


and yet none of them

even

realised

or maybe they tried

but it wasn't enough


so she took her own life

and now they analyse

everything

even her Facebook status updates

analyse

everything

every detail

every sign


they see the signs

they panic now


but she's already dead

and the next one

is forming plans

in her head

but nobody is even noticing

yet

"Pulling Away"

she is pulling away

knows that no-one will stay

you can't force them to

that's not something she would do

anyway

she can't take any more

so she's closing the door

before

it slams in her face

protecting herself

in case

she gets hurt again

and yet somehow

she knows

that none of this will work

why does she let herself

care

why does she

set herself up

for even more disappointment

despair

will she never learn

why will she never learn

"Delusions So Beautiful"

false light and false hope

delusions so beautiful

why would she want to come back

from that other life

the one inside her head

back to this world instead

reality is but a dark shadow

ill-defined

her shattered heart and mind

cannot comprehend

cannot accept

and so they reject

"reality"

if she must call it that

when this so-called "reality" is hell

pure hell

and she is left craving

those beautiful delusions

her light and her hope

"Depressive Haze"

I learn not to mention them

too often:

my greyscale days -

this, too familiar, depressive haze.


I can view

your vibrant summer,

from afar.

To me it is simply

an unreachable star.


Is the physical illness

worse,

or the curse

of feeling constantly empty inside?

I don't know, or even care, any more.

I mainly exist

behind my cell door.

What is my life for?


And then it returns:

the darkness. Pure darkness.

Almost enticing - almost inviting.

The moment

when grey

becomes black

once again.

I can never explain


why I am

immersed

in emotional pain -

why sometimes

I can barely

function

at all.


Yet, still I am trying to smile,

and sometimes I do. 

"Sanity's Borderline"

darkness floods her mind

boundaries ill-defined

existing on sanity's borderline

relevant support denied

to feed their lie

left to endure and rot and die

"Violated"

violated

more times

than anyone knows

more than I could even

admit to myself

broken

broken and battered inside

I breathe on

I bleed on

I survive

but never thrive

"Helpless"

they are here

I feel their pain

every day

it twists

forming complex knots

inside my heart

rips me apart

words aren't enough

my tears

my love

some days

just getting through

myself

can feel like

an almost impossible task

depleted

defeated

and yes

I still get suicidal thoughts


but what do you do

when you want to help

but you can't

can't help anyone

anyone at all

so you simply watch

the future

unfolding

in black-and-white

fading into sepia tones

in painfully slow motion

you're watching them fall

and all you really want

is for someone

to grab your hand

and save you

because

you know

that you're falling too

but you can't

reach out

how can you when

you're paralysed

by fear


so they are there

inside her head

she feels their pain

every day

but she cannot help

cannot save

anyone

and now she is dying with them

"Amplified"

I am startled by a sound, so loud.

It really is a pin dropping,

and actually - three streets away, to boot.

I am sensitive.

I am fragile.

Can you ever understand?

Your words -

your silences -

do you realise

how they sound,

when amplified

inside my mind -

what each one signifies

to me?

"Housebound on a Sunny Day"

Ever been housebound on a sunny day?

Not even housebound - more like, first floor flat-bound.

I watch the happy people passing by.

Half-naked mothers push their prams around.

My life's role - to be happy for them all.


The whole world is such a happy place.

It is a sunny day, after all.

I just wish that the world and day,

and this so-called "happiness",

would fade away.

"Stella Can"

There's a Stella can in our

communal stairway.

People must get drunk as soon as

it's a sunny day.

Otherwise they might just sit around,

and wish their lives away.

After "drink ten", they will do that, anyway.


I had my share of drink, and drunken blokes,

and crash diets, and too many other things, when

I was young, and could have done so much.

I didn't have all of these current limitations then,

but as long as they can never take away

my imagination and my pen -

if, and when, I can actually locate a working pen...



I tell myself that life is

really not so bad.

See this smile? I'm happy with my "lot".

No, of course I do not feel that I've been had.

I am oh-so-pleased for each expectant

mum and dad

I meet - and none of that stuff ever makes me sad.


I don't want the responsibility, anyway - right?

So tell yourself that I'm actually almost glad.

"Full Circle"

I am coming full circle

in so many ways.

All these emotions

leave me in a daze.


Too many times now,

my heart has been broken.

Too many loose ends,

and words left unspoken.


Each new situation

seems to echo the last.

How do we live in the present,

whilst fearing the future - yet, locked in the past?


I am coming full circle

in too many ways.

I must learn to trust in the process - my journey -

as I enter another new phase.

"Too Attached"

What is too attached?

I'd like to know.

Is it so wrong to care,

or to let your true feelings show?



Yes, it leaves me exposed.




Does everyone leave,

in the end?

Is each new person I meet,

potentially the next one I'll have to let go?




So why bother at all?




And why can't I stop?

Why do I keep getting attached,

when I know

how these things always go?




Are any of my friends actually scared

of losing me too?




I get too attached, right?

So what is too attached?

Tell me, someone.

I need to know.

"High on Life"

when skies shine like topaz

and there's blossom on the trees

and a slight breeze

and you're watching some magpies take flight


when the world is so vibrant

and your heart is so light

and just for a moment

you're feeling all right


people might believe

you need alcohol

or drugs

or religion

or to fall

insanely in love

with somebody


but no other "high" can match

simply

high on life

in those moments

sweet and brief

pure and innocent

no-one's mind games can

touch you

no-one has the power

to break or destroy you


you just want to bottle

the feeling

but you can't

and it's so sad

because it won't last

and you know

it won't last

it can't last