"Fraud"

I feel like a fraud,

when I can't write a word.

I mean, on my one project:

the one I avoid,

and avoid,

and avoid some more -

and, in the end, can barely remember.

Then, I do. I remember, after all.

I remember why I

even started:

my novel,

the one work I am still alive to complete -

the thing I believe in.

No-one can take

that kind of pressure, right?

Not even my characters -

and surely,

it's enough just to get through,

when I spend months dreading appointments

that I absolutely must attend.

Do you know how many things

fall apart,

when it's that hard to make it

to any appointment?

Your body falls apart,

as well as your mind.

This isolation – it's driving me crazy.

Yet, people terrify me.

Real life?

Yeah - because, you know, there is

a world

beyond Twitter and Facebook,

and even You Tube.

I think life is beautiful. Don't get me wrong.

The trees and, when I actually manage

to get out on to the balcony – the breeze. Nature.

I'm in love with life.

I'm just sick of being stuck inside my own head.

I'm sick of being

anxious and depressed,

and of not being able to say

that I'm anxious and depressed -

because I've said it before.

I'm sick of not trusting anyone,

because I can't any more,

because I've been abandoned too many times.

I must anticipate yet another

slammed-in-face door.

I'll pretend to be okay now.

I just need to write some more,

and maybe then,

I won't feel like a fraud,

in the form

of a “writer”, who can't write

her words.

"Insight and Obsession"

I understand my own tendencies

My insight – my alleged sanity

I feel you

More than you can ever know

More than I can ever show

It's never rational

With me

And there are past attachments

I've been letting go

And there are constant fears

And this depressive haze

Please don't be scared

Don't run away

I can withdraw

You'll never know

I'll never show

How deeply I care

Or that I'm starting to lose my mind

Again

"Shadows Exist"

Keep it light,
or keep it dark.
Shadows exist.
Just keep it authentic.

"Before You Left"

They promised lifelong friendship, but could not care less.

Day after day, she gave everything – gave them her best.

Did your knife go in deep enough, before you left?

Do you not give a toss that you have left a friend bereft?

"Life Sentence"

I’ve always said that friendship is eternal –

but maybe I am too idealistic – too naïve. 

We agreed that friendship was for life,

but it was never supposed to be a sentence.

If there is really nothing left that I can offer you,

I have no option but to respect your point of view.

I don’t even begin to know

how to let this go.

Yet, my life’s mission never was to torture you.

Just don’t ask me to say that

to chuck it all away is right.

It feels so wrong.

 

If you ever need me, I’m still here for you.

Memories are eternal.

Mine will see me through.

"Real Life is Cliques and Clubs"

Life is the slammed-in-face, then double-locked door.

You’re surplus to requirements.

We don’t need you any more.

It’s an endless series of cliques and clubs -

exclusive, not inclusive -

and does your face – and body – fit?

If not, kindly forget it.

Thou shalt not be no fun,

which isn’t so easy

when you’re dying inside,

and hardly ever leave your home,

through no fault of your own.

It’s all just cliques and clubs –

and if you’re in, you’re in –

and if you’re not, then tough.

“Real life” is all just cliques and clubs.

"Care in the Community"

It’s not down to psychiatric staff,

who won’t help the suicidal.

It’s not down to the system,

forcing her to work - and not be “idle”.

You can’t start blaming the GPs,

who won’t provide home visits.

If she is ill, it’s her own fault –

for if not hers, whose is it?

It was not down to her family,

or so-called “friends”, who claimed to care.

Of course she could have talked to them

about her deep despair.

They wouldn’t have called it “attention-seeking”.

They wouldn’t have ignored her.

Her blood is not upon their hands.

To suggest as much, is out of order.